"Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what did
you and Eve do today?"
"We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.
"Did you eat off the forbidden tree?" asked God.
"Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.
"And then what did you do?" God asked.
"We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."
"Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.
"She's down at the brook washing herself out."
"Oh, no," the Lord moaned, "Now all the fish are going to smell like
that!"
A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself
beside a scrungy-
looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.
The attorney leaned
closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring
"Well, it looks like plastic."
Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?" The
drunk stammered, "Damn
if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The lawyer said, "Let me take a
look." And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled
it between his thumb and fingers,
then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and
feel like rubber, but I don't
know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"
The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."
Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back.
Herb says to Sam,
"Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal
ever. Good prices too."
Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of
the restaurant?"
Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's
the name of that pretty
flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"
Sam says, "How about rose?"
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.
"Rose. Hey, Rose. What was
the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking
what time the bar opens.
"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even=drunker.
"What time
does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered.
"Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I
can have room service send
something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
Researcher: Excuse me madam, I'm conducting a survey
Woman: Yes, what is it about?
Researcher: We are asking people what they think about sex on the telly
Woman: very uncomfortable I would imagine
A young girl asks her mother why fairy tails start with "Once upon a
time"
"they don't always start like that" he mother said "Your father's starts
with 'The bloody train
was late again tonight' "
Husband: Ooh, you are wonderfully tight tonight darling !
Wife: get that big hairy thing out of my navel !!
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their
wives went along as caddies.While walking around the course the English
man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit
hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was
over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman
stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well
darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that have to
make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The Englishman thrusts
his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and
Spencer's and get some knickers." Two holes further along the Irish Man's
wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and
landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head
revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was
livid and he angrily demanded a
reason for her lack of undergarments. "Well darling," she explained,
"you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,"Here's
a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers." Three holes further
on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped
up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she
wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as
the others. Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's
a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit.
Chat up lines!
Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number,could I borrow
yours?
Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
Excuse me, you have some lipstick on your tooth, mind if I lick it off?
Hey baby, can I tickle your belly-button from the inside?
Hey baby, you smell, let's take a shower together!
My friend and I have a bet that you won't take off your blouse in a public place.
You know, you've got the prettiest teeth I've ever dreamed of coming across.
Hey Baby! I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag!
Pardon me, are you in heat?!
If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
My face is leaving in 10 minutes... are you gonna be on it or not?
If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?
I'm new in town, could I get directions to your place?
(Female at the copy machine) Reproducing, eh?
Mind if I help?
That dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
Hi, I'm conducting a feel test to see how many women here have pierced
nipples...
Hey Baby, it's cold in here. I'd like to use your thighs as earmuffs.
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when
Gary glanced over
and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown
prior to putting
it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"Cripes," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped
together every cent
he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she
ordered almost everything
expensive on the menu. Appetisers, lobster, champagne. . .the
works.
Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at
home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid."
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to
three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: The parrot on the
left costs 500 dollars".
Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the first man. The owner says
"Well, the parrot knows how to use a computer". The man then asks about
the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it
can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the
UNIX operating system. Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about
the third parrot, to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say
this brings the question "What can it do?" To which the owner replies "To
be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two
call him boss!".
Three female convicts -- a brunette, a redhead and a blonde -- escaped
from a maximum security prison one night. They dashed through the woods
toward freedom, but the barking
dogs of the prison guards steadily grew closer. Finally, one of the
convicts said to the others, "Quick, we've got to hide in the tree branches."
So each climbed up a different tree. The dogs and the guards holding
them approached the base of the tree where the brunette was hiding. The
brunette, in the top of the tree, thought quickly, opened her mouth and
went, "Whoo! Whoo!" One guard said, "It's just an owl; let's move
on."
The dogs led the guards to the tree where the redhead was hiding 20
feet up. The redhead
went, "Caw! Caw!" The guard said, "It's just a crow; let's move
on." The dogs led the guards to the tree where the blonde was hiding up
in the branches. The blonde though for a moment, and then went, "Mooo!"
When going for a piss, Has any man tried the 'five fingered grip' ??
I do it all the time... But I end up pissing over three of them....
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted
by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were
unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran
as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended
up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather
quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed,
"Dear God! Please give this bear some 'religion'!" The sky darkened
and there were lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter,
the
bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly,
the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food
I'm about to receive...."
The Cohens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cohen made
it clear he was in a
big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of
that stuff. Just pull the
tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist
admiringly. "Now, which
tooth is it?"
Mr. Cohen turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, Honey."
Dear Ann Landers,
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy.
My parents live in the suburb of Seatown and one of my sisters, who
lives in Palmerston
North, is married to an Maori. My Father and Mother have recently been
arrested for growing
and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters
who are prostitutes in
Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole
life sentence in Mt.
Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in
1994.
My other brother is currently being held in the Wellington remand centre
on charges of incest
with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to a former Thai prostitute who lives
in Christchurch and
indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however she
is currently infected with
an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently
looking into the possibility
of opening our own Brothel. With my fiancée utilising her knowledge
of the industry, she
would be the perfect manager. I am hoping that my two sisters would
be interested in joining
our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves,
at least it would get
them off the streets and hopefully off the heroin as well.
My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing
her into the family and of
course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about
my brother-in-law being
employed by Microsoft?
"Honey," said a husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you CRAZY? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all
the dishes are dirty,
and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why on EARTH did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Chad wasn't too happy with his doctor's advice to cure his constant
fatigue. "You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried. "I'm a
young guy. I'm in the prime
of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off gradually."
Breakfast
Language proficiency is part of the international contracting scene.
This exchange between an
English-speaking traveller and a member of the hotel staff in a Far
East hotel was recorded in
the "Far-East Economic Review":
Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees.
Hotel Guest: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialled Room Service.
RS: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?
HG: Uh ... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow July den?
HG: What?
RS: Aches. Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch...?
HG: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.
RS: Ow July dee baycome? Crease?
HG: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Hokay. An Santos?
HG: What?
RS: Santos. July Santos?
HG: Uh. I don't know ... I don't think so.
RS: No. Judo one toes?
HG: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo
one toes" means. I'm
sorry.
RS: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we
bother?
HG: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English
muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
HG: No. Just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
HG: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.
RS: Copy?
HG: I feel terrible about this but ...
RS: Copy. Copy, tea,
HG: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.
RS: One Minnie. Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome,
tossy cenglish mopping
we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?
HG: Whatever you say.
RS: Hokay. Tendjewberrymud.
HG: You're welcome.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo"
Filling out job applications is so depressing. I was filling one
out the other day and I got to
the part that says "Sex?" Well, I prefer to 'F', but I'm usually
alone, so I had to circle 'M'."
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression
he said, "If I had all
the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine
in the world, I'd take it and
throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the
world, I'd take it and throw it
into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, "For
our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"
I've got a drink problem.....
Two hands.. But only one mouth !!!
An intern is visiting the special disease wing of a local hospital with
an M.D.
They walk into the first room and he sees a man spanking his monkey.
The intern asks the doctor "Whats wrong with him ?"
The doctor replies "he has an over abundance of sperm and if he doesn't
get rid of it three
times a day his nuts will eventually explode and kill him"
They walk down the hall to another room where they see another man
spanking his monkey.
The intern says to the doctor "Whats his problem ?"
The doctor says "Same thing "
They walk into a third room and there is a gorgeous nurse giving a
guy a blow job.
The intern says "Whats his problem ?"
The doctor replies "Same disease,better health plan."
After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes
with her to her little local
Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon
that on the way out
he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate
it if you didn't use
profanity in the Lord's house."
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was
such a damn good sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way
in Church!"
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that i
thought it was so damn
good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate."
The Reverend looks stunned, and says, "NO SHIT?"
the best alarm is made from a king edwards potato, fresh from the ground.
place it on the bedside table, draw 2 hands on it for 0800 next day,
and go to sleep. in the morning you will wake up potato-clock.
An old lady is sitting in front her TV knitting and watching "Mamas
Family" when she hears a knock on the door. When she opens it, there
is a salesman standing on her doorstep. She
asks, "Yes?" The salesman explains that he is selling watermelons
for a delivery service, and that every other day, they would deliver a
watermelon to her doorstep. "My that's a
splendid idea." the old woman says, so she signs up. The
salesman tells her that she would receive her first watermelon in two days,
then he leaves. Well, two days go by, and no
watermelon. Four days, no watermelon. Six days, still no
watermelon. The old lady calls up the watermelon delivery service,
and demands, "Where are my watermelons?" They explain
that they have been delivering them to her doorstep for the past couple
of days, so they ask if there are any people that might walk by her doorstep,
thinking that it's theirs. She says,
"Why yes, I share my front porch with my new next door neighbours."
The people on the phone also tell her that in order to eliminate any confusion,
they always write the initials of
the customer on the watermelons, so whomever has been taking them,
was probably knowingly stealing them.
They tell her that maybe she should find out from her neighbours, if they have been taking the watermelons. By now, she's furious! She hangs up the phone and hobbles over to the next door neighbour's front door and knocks it with her cane. A big hairy guy in a t-shirt and holding a beer can answers. She asks, "Sonny, have you been stealing my watermelons?" The guy explains that he doesn't know what the hell she's talking about, so the big guy calls down his son, and asks him if he knows what happened to the watermelons. The son says proudly, "Yes I done took the watermelons, and I et dem!" The man furiously takes off his belt, puts his son over his knee and gets ready to give the poor boy a whippin' like he's never had before. Before the boy could finish his explanation, "But Dad, on da watermelons, it said on dem..."
the father gives the boy several lashes with the belt. The kid's screaming and crying, arms and legs are flailing about.
After that was all over, the father sent the boy up to his room.
He got out his chequebook, and explained to her that he would pay for the
watermelons, and that the boy would not steal them any more. So he
asked the old woman to whom he should write the check out to. She
replies, "Oh just write it out to me. My full name is... Esther Alice
Thomson."
Q: How do you get three nuns to yell the f-word?
A: Have a fourth yell "Bingo!"
Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night,
She cowers naked
under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I
know dis you firs time and
you flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting
you want. What you
want?".
"I wanna numma 69", she replies.
He looks at her very puzzled and says, "You wanna beef wit broccorri?".
I hope the dog
that's running free
Don't see that
little part of me
And many cautions
I must take
To keep that
part I love to shake
Much attention
must I pay
To see the knives
are put away
The mower, chainsaw,
and hatchet, too
There's just
no telling what she'll do
And this may
come as no surprise!!
Not Even Viagra
Will Make Be Rise!!!
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. The
brain said, "Since I
control everything and do all the thinking, I should be boss." The
feet said, "Since I carry the
body around to where it wants to go, and get into position to do what
the brain wants, I
should be boss." The hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn
all the money to keep the
rest of you going, I should be boss."
And so it went with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes. And finally,
the asshole spoke up and
demanded that it be made boss. All the other parts just laughed and
laughed at the idea of an asshole being boss.
The asshole was so angered that it blocked itself off and refused to
function. Soon the brain
was feverish; the eyes crossed and ached; the feet were too weak to
walk; the hands hung
limply at the sides; the heart and lungs struggled to keep going.
All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be boss. And
so it happened. All the
other parts did all the work, and the asshole just bossed and passed
out a lot of shit.
THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an asshole.
A traveller was driving through Arkansas when he lost his way and got
off the main highway. As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties
and pigpens and pigs running in fields and
pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really strange.
He did a double take, muttered to himself and then looked a third time.
He wondered if he had seen correctly - it looked like a pig with a wooden
leg! He found the lane to the farm and drove up into the farmyard, where
he was met by the farmer. "Excuse me,"the traveller said. "I was just driving
by and looking at all your pigs, and I noticed something that I just had
to stop and ask about. Tell me, did I see right? Is there really a pig
out there with a wooden leg?"
The farmer smiled. "Oh, that would be old Caesar you saw. He's the finest
pig a man could ever hope to have - and smart! Well, let me tell you a
little about that pig.You see that barge
down there on the river? That's a mining dredge, taking out platinum
ore. Old Caesar sniffed out the vein and showed us how to set it up. Now
that dredge brings me in about $120,000
every year. "There's another thing, too, a little more personal. One
night a couple of years ago I got to drinking and I guess I had more than
I should have. I passed out drunk, fell down and knocked over a lamp. That
started a fire in the house and old Caesar smelled the smoke. He came in
the back door, got the wife and kid out, roused me up and got me out.
There is no question about it - that night old Caesar saved all our
lives and you know that is not the sort of thing a man is going to forget
too easily."
"Why," the traveller said, "this is all amazing! I have never heard
of a pig like this before!
This is fantastic! But tell me, how did he get that wooden leg? Was
he in a wreck or something?"
The farmer laughed and said, "Well, naturally, when you have a pig that
smart, you don't want to eat him all at one time!"
There once was a snake farmer who had a pair of vipers he was trying
to breed. For the life
of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated,
he called up the local
herpetologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over,
picked up the snakes, and
looked at them. "You know what I would do?" she said. "See
that tree over there? Chop it
down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and made two
tables out of them. Put
the table and snakes into a cage, and leave them alone for a while."
Well, the breeder thought this was insane, but having no other options,
he tried it. Sure
enough, a few days later, he had a whole slew of baby snakes.
He called up the expert, and
asked her how that was possible.
She replied, "Well, you see, your vipers are adders, and everybody
knows that adders can
multiply only on log tables."
"Old Lady Farts"
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem
with gas, but it
really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always
silent. As a matter of
fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.
You didn't know I was
farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next
week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the hell you gave
me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's
work on your hearing."
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the
TV?" I said, "Dust!"
- - - - - - - - - -
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created
man and rested. Then
God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
- - - - - - - - - -
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four
policemen and a dog.
- - - - - - - - - -
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
- - - - - - - - - -
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5
drinks.
- - - - - - - - - -
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo
Drive and said "I haven't
eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish
I had your willpower."
- - - - - - - - - -
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mother-in-laws.
- - - - - - - - - -
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
- - - - - - - - - -
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next
day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
- - - - - - - - - -
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once.
- - - - - - - - - -
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
- - - - - - - - - -
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
- - - - - - - - - -
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through
life thinking they had no faults at all.
- - - - - - - - - -
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.
- - - - - - - - - -
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married;
and then it was too late."
- - - - - - - - - -
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
to getmarried?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
- - - - - - - - - -
The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day,
I divorced her."
- - - - - - - - - -
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and
a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five
iron wrapped tightly
around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round
of golf with my wife when
she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for
it and while I was rooting
around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and
lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball......
stuck right in the middle
of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?", asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
This mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender
says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right.
I don't have any money, but if I
show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says
the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He
puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool,
across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing
Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're
right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is
truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender
for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog
on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and
great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs
over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a
deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who
runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some
kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth
millions. You must be crazy!" "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also
a ventriloquist!"
A husband and wife are driving when they get pulled over by a policeman.
The policeman
goes up to the car and asks for the man's license.
The man replies, "Why do you need by license? What did I do wrong?"
The policeman answers, "You were travelling forty-five miles per hour
in a thirty-mile-per-
hour zone."
"Come on, officer," the man replies, "you know I was only going thirty-five."
"No, you weren't!" interrupts the wife. "I told you you were speeding.
I told you not to go
fast. I knew you'd get a ticket."
"Shut up." grunts the husband.
The policeman continues, "I'm also charging you for going through a red light."
"Officer," the man explains, "you know as well as I, that light was yellow, not red."
The wife pipes in, "No, it was most definitely red. I told you it was red. I told you."
At this point the husband is infuriated. He yells at his wife, "Shut up!"
The policeman exclaims, "Hey! Stop yelling at your wife!"
He then turns to the wife and
asks, "Does he always talk to you this way?"
She calmly replies, "No, only when he's been drinking."
It was painfully evident to the indignant Mother that all was not well
with her attractive
daughter. To her pointed questions, the girl tearfully admitted
that motherhood was
approaching, and that a close friend of the family was responsible.
With fire in her eyes, the Mother drove over to the friend's house
and confronted him. The
man readily admitted his guilt.
"But I have a very good reason," the soon-to-be dad said. "I
doubt I'll ever get married, and
wanted an heir to leave my fortune to. If your daughter presents
me with a daughter, I'll
give her $500,000. If she bares me a son, I'll make it a million."
"Now see here," said the Mother, "That's totally unacceptable.
If it's a miscarriage, will you
at least give her another chance?"
The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads
FIRST THE WOMEN
40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches sports
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's
not
The young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they
were in the kitchen
preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about
that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well
have the old goat for dinner
today as any other day.'"
A very popular girl (the town bicycle) went to her doctor and found
out that she was pregnant
The doctor says, "I know that you are not married! Do you know
who the father of this baby is?"
The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of 'Baked Beans',would
you know exactly which bean made you fart?"
Concerned that her love-life had quieted down somewhat, Miss Lottsabazooma
went to the doctor for her checkup.
Naturally the first thing he asked her to do was strip off her clothes.
Her doctor noted that she was a little overweight. "Why don't you diet?"
he said.
She looked down and said, "What color do you suggest?"
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic
slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast
that his chickens were being run over at a
rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office
and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving
so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just
do something about those drivers." So the next day he had the county go
out and put up a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got
to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to
make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff
sends out the county and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called
everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Is it all right for me to
put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "sure thing, put up
your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in
order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from
the farmer. Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided
to call him. "How's the problem
with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And
not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very
busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff though to himself, "I'd
better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be
something there that WE could use
to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house,
and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of
plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:
SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.